Kal raat, mujhe neend nahin aa rahi thi. I guess my cycle has been disturbed by studying late into the night (modesty, where is?), but that’s not the unfortunate part. I, out of helplessness, decided to switch on the radio and listen to some nighttime music. You may roll on the ground in laughter, but I was half expecting to find some Opera music (not SOAP opera, opera as in The Opera House of Sydney… does that ring a bell?). You know, I’ve heard it sometimes on 102.6 AIR FM Rainbow, and I really liked it, but, well, as happened in the Physics paper, what I wanted wasn’t ‘on the cards’! So I started fiddling with the tuner. And guess what, I discovered three NEW radio stations that have sprung up suddenly in the past week – they had funny names, one is Hits 95 FM, Big 92 FM and Radio One 94.7 FM. I thought, ‘Great, you can just change the channel when they (RJs) begin to open their well-endowed (don’t think otherwise) mouths.’ But I knew I wasn’t born in the hospital Lady Luck was visiting that fateful day.

One channel, the first to be encountered while on your way from 86 MHz to 106, (RADIO CITY to be precise) airs this absolutely hilarious programme that can kill all your sleep, for you shall find even your RBCs laughing at it. It’s called Love Guru (pronounced with a loooooooong “Lurve”, by a svelte voice that sounds in desperate need of… you know what). And there’s this self-professed Prem Gyaani who claims to solve all your love and (uhmm..) related problems. He sometimes even calls a psychiatrist by the name of Dr Samir Parikh, who (when I heard him for the first time) sounded like my padosi’s flu-stricken daughter. And oh! The problems he receives are just as good. Sample this, “I fell in love a year ago and my sandals broke. I forgot to take notice then, but now that I’m not interested in him, I’ve gone into depression because that was my favourite pair. Help me love guru, you’re the only one who can stop me from taking an extreme step.” And the reply goes, (it couldn’t have been better), “Sweety, sweety, (Maddy, anyone?) hum apne jeevan mein aisi bahut saari duvidhaaon se guzarte hain. Par iska matlab yeh toh nahin na, ki jeevan ko hi tyaag dene ka mann bana lein? There are going to be losses, reparable (boyfriend) and irreparable (favourite sandals), but never lose heart. Listen to this song, it’ll make you feel better.”
“I love you oh sayyoni… I love you oh sayyoni koi shak!”
And tomorrow, she’ll reply with “You saved my life… I love you Lurve Guru!”

But surprisingly, there’s an even more interesting programme on the same theme on Radio Mirchi, but of course, with its own tadka. The same problem will be solved by Dr Love – who lives life in the fast lane – through (comforting?) words traveling on Rajdhani Express: “Yaar dekho, boyfriend chhoda, fikkar not, par favourite sandals ko nazar-andaaz kiya, un-fuggivable. Arrey, sandals are a woman’s best friends yaar… Boyfriend toh hazaar mil jayenge, par sandals… uh huh! But, tension not. Popkins, life mein karo chillax, Mirchi suno and…”
“Zara Jhoom Jhoom, Zara Jhoom Jhoom, Zara Jhoom.”
Obviously, she doesn’t call again.

And then there is sadabahaar, AIR! (aadaab arz hai, aadaab arz hai). In their super-Sayaani tones, all the radio jockeys (jockeys huh!) speak some pre-historic ‘languaze’ with extra stress on the last consonant of the word… “Doston, aap sun rahe hain “programe” Geet Aapke Naam Se, aur main hoon aapki Host aur Dost Geeta Sharma. Doston, ab sunte hain yeh pyaara sa naghma, jise sunne ki khwahish rakhte hain humare ‘reglar lissner’ Kanpur ke Sushant Alok Ji.” Then she plays some stupid music till the time she looks for the record to be played (I don’t think they have computers at AIR, enlighten me if you know they do).
“Dil Jalta Hai Toh Jalne De…”

The other channels, have incessant jabbering with an occasional song or two, of which repetitive music portions have been cut to suit airtime. Of course, 95 FM has no talking but as you all know, it doesn’t suit my taste, because ‘Engliss gaanon mein humra thoda haath tang hai, samajh rahe hain na.’ But it’s great fun to listen to Delhi’s Maniacal Megahertz – Airwaves that take your sleep away.

PS: Exaggerations are my forte, so don’t mind.